phoneguyAt the end of a nice call with dear ol' dad recently he asked, "So, have you found a church to go to?" I gave a friendly chuckle on my end, hoping to defuse the question. I didn't expect that one. A week or so ago a new friend who had been cruising my blog asked, "So how's the God search going?" and then immediately add, "sorry If I overstepped ," when I hesitated with an answer. In both cases I hesitated because I knew that a straight forward answer would have been the exact opposite of what they were hoping for or anticipating. For my dad, his faith is such a deep seated part of his whole reality and I'm the son who has a degree in Biblical Studies and more recently was very active in my church back in CA. And with my friend, I'm under the impression that her conversion experience is something very new in her life. I didn't want to say something that would upset their experience of life. It's funny, my hesitancy comes from the fact that I care enough about them that I don't want to upset them or disappoint them with my contrarian point of view. In the past I've been accused of writing things in my blog that seemed to show no regard as to whether what I wrote might be hurtful to others and in some cases writing things with the intension to hurt. Truthfully I might have written things in my blog that I was so passionate about or overwhelmed over that I didn't or couldn't look too far beyond my angst to realize how some might take my venting. So, it seems odd to me, in my old age, that I'm so hesitant to work out my "faith issues" here in my blog...

On one level I don't want my dad or my old church friends to visit these pages and be left with a head-shaking "that's too bad" feeling about me. I don't want them to think that I was anything less than completely sincere or genuine with my expressions of faith. At the same time, I'm not like some I've known who couldn't reconcile their private and public lives and so lived in fear of being "discovered." I guess the best that I can do is to be honest and continue to work through my issues and trust that those who genuinely have my best interests will give me room to explore my life's path even when it heads in directions that they'd rather I didn't follow. Anyway, besides being my usual busy self, this hesitancy is why I haven't written as much in this category of my blog as I've wanted to. Having now covered this part of the conversation, I guess I can move on to the other stuff like musings on the wiring of my home network or whether I should buy an Amazon Kindle. Just kidding... kind'a. jbb

Music: Mr. Blue Sky by ELO from the All Over the World: The Very Best of ELO CD