Wrestling with God
This was my last sunday in the sound booth running the PowerPoint slides, one thing that I have discovered over the course of this last week is my heart is not nearly as numb or frozen as I had feared it would be. From the 3rd to the 17th I stayed busy and kept plugging away at my blogs and reflections and for that whole time I had not shed a tear or felt very much of anything. Because I understood on a rational level everything that had transpired I just went from day to day and stayed busy. But on the 14th day, I had been thinking and rethinking and running the scenarios back and forth so many times and going from point to point [see relationship autopsy] and finally the tears and pain came to me and I cried and cried and cried. So this morning, typing in the songs and listening to the worship band practice their set i wondered if my heart would stay "business like" or not. I mean, my presence in this place, my working at this keyboard is a direct result of a love for a woman with whom I no longer have a connection to and so it's difficult to open my heart to God but it's all connected together. Well, I'm "happy" to report that my emotions are, in fact, not dead and when that door swings open in my heart it does swing open all the way.
So as the band played the last song, Refuge, the passion within me found voice and I was able to express that need and love that has made all of this so real and often so overwhelming...
"Your call comes like the morning breeze; you spread your winds and cover me. Underneath Your shadow, I will hid away; There I've found your shelter, and there I'd like to stay
Refuge, You're my refuge; When the world is shaken, and nothing stands, I will hold on to Your hand, Refuge"
I got home late last night (actually early in the AM) and I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep unless I got all of this off of my chest and I found myself crying and arguing with God, not to take this pain away from me, but to release the one I love from her bondage so that she can be the light He created her to be. Her smile and her brief presence in my life changed everything in my life and I prayed that she'd be released from her current "prison" so that she could shine in someone else's life and be the light He made her to be. I didn't pray for her to be with me or even acknowledge my existence, but just that her life would be what He had created it to be. And I cried that it would happen not in months or years from now, now, this weekend, this week, before another day passed in her life. And then I was able to find my rest.
So this morning John's message was about Psalm 143 where David argued with God from his weakness and pain.... It was a message I knew very well and had already lived.
Psa. 143:1 O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. 2 Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you. 3 The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. 4 So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. 5 I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. 6 I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah 7 Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. 8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. 9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you. 10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. 11 For your name’s sake, O LORD, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. 12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.
music: Refuge - Darrell Evans - Let The River Flow